


When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up, he knows he's losing it

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [7]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, M/M, Mental Illness, OCD, Panic Attacks, Schizoaffective Disorder, Triggers, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 22:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8262077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will Lose6 months after Confessions, but before Chapter 39 of Fear Will Lose, this is another insight into Todd and Tyler. Although Tyler is doing well, he's having a slight slip with regards to his anxiety.The title of this chapter is inspired by the song She's Losing It by Belle & Sebastian





	

"Alright William, Daddy's busy at work tonight so you're going to hangout with me instead, okay?"  
"Yay yay yay,"  
"We need to wait at school for 5 more minutes, just to make sure that everybody's Mommy or Daddy picks them up, but then we can go." Tyler explained to the 6 year old.

"Tyyleerrr,"  
"Yeeahhhhh?" The teacher smirked back.  
"Can we please please please go to the park with the hugenormous swing?"  
"Yeah okay, but I'm not driving at the moment so we will have to walk, is that okay?"  
"Yep, I can walk really speedy,"  
"Good," Tyler smiled at the hyper child.

"Tyyyy,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you do walking all the time from this school to my house?"  
"No, I take the train. If I walked then it would take about 5 years I think,"  
"5 years?!" William giggled.  
"Okay maybe not that long, but it would take a very long time and I would get really tired."  
"And you would have to have a nap on the road."  
"On the road?! That's crazy," Tyler laughed.

"I like the train," William told Tyler, climbing onto his desk and sitting down cross legged.  
"Yeah they're the coolest."

"Do you like cars?" Asked the young boy.  
"Yeah cars are cool too,"  
"So why don't you get a car?"  
"Because I think that the train is better, and I can go everywhere on it,"  
"But not to the park,"  
"No not the park,"

"Can you use a car?"  
"Drive? Yeah," Tyler nodded, holding out his hands and letting William play with them, moulding his fingers into different positions.

"Tyler I think you're a crazy man." William giggled.  
"A crazy man? Why do you think I'm a crazy man?"  
"You are having no car! Everyone has a car! Even Grandma has a car,"  
"Well you don't have a car," Tyler smiled, "So I think that you're crazy," Tyler grinned, reaching out and tickling the boy. "Crazy boy,"  
"Arghhhaha!" He screamed and squirmed, "Tyler!!"  
"Say that Tyler's the best,"  
"Neverhahaha,"  
"Say I'm the best,"  
"I'm the best!" He giggled, rolling and laughing on the desk.  
"Cheeky boy," Tyler smiled, stopping tickling the young boy and instead pulling him onto his lap instead, hugging him tight from behind.

"William can I tell you a secret?"  
"Yeah," William whispered.  
"Crazy people are the best people,"

 

Tyler sat on the bench in the corner of the play equipment in the park, marking 5th grade homework and occasionally checking on William. The boy was amusing himself on the slide, so Tyler went back to reading the project on Beethoven that was obviously copy and pasted straight from the Internet.  
With a sigh, he ticked the page and began writing a comment.

He was half way done when William ran up to him, huge tears running down his face.  
"William? What's wrong?" Tyler asked concerned, putting the paperwork aside.  
"My aarr-mm," he sobbed, holding up his wrist and showing Tyler a scrape, blood running down his forearm.

As soon as Tyler saw the red liquid coating the boy's arm, he felt his heart begin to race and his head begin to spin. No matter how much progress he had been making, blood was still a massive trigger for him. He tried to control himself, desperately wanting to help the crying child but not being able to open his eyes again.

"Ty-lerr," William blubbed, "Tyler, my, my arm,"  
"Sshhitt," Tyler hissed silently, unable to open his tightly shut eyes as he felt William push against his legs.  
"It hu-urttss, Tyler, Tyler help me!" He cried out, and Tyler felt like bursting into tears too.

The little boy was in pain and scared, and Tyler couldn't do anything to make it better. Tyler didn't know what to do, his breathing was growing more and more erratic, and his heart pounded, his limbs turned to jelly and he felt as though he could faint at any second.  
He knew he was about to have his third panic attack that week, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Will, have you hurt your arm? Do you want me to help you clean it up?" Tyler heard a woman say, but didn't know who because he still couldn't open his eyes.

He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face under his arms as he felt the pressure of William's small body leave his thighs.

Tyler could vaguely hear the voices of somebody caring for William's injury, but couldn't stop thinking about the blood. His mind raced a thousand thoughts a second as images of his past self harm injuries flashed before his eyes.

He tried to take a deep breath, take back control, but the attempt was feeble as his head screamed that he was a failure for letting William down, and for letting him get hurt in the first place.

"Tyler it's Hayley, Ryan's wife, don't worry I've patched Will up and he's playing with Scarlett. Are you okay?" A woman said, sitting down next to him on the bench and placing a hand on his knee. "Tyler, do you need me to call Ryan? I know he's not on your team anymore but you can still talk to him on my phone."  
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," Tyler spat out.  
"Come on Tyler, sit up for me sweetheart, talk to me." She encouraged, and somehow after a minute Tyler managed to find the strength to put his feet back on the floor and run a shaky hand through his hair.

"William?" Tyler asked.  
"He's over there, by the swings with Scarlett." She pointed over to the boy who had a bandaid on his arm but a smile on his face.  
"Thank you,"

"You doing okay?" Hayley asked sincerely.  
"Yeah, I just, just lost it for a moment."  
"Alright darling, is Todd here somewhere?"  
"Work," Tyler answered, knowing that Hayley didn't trust him alone with William at that moment in time. "I'll, uh, I'll call my mom to come pick us up."  
"Okay good, and I'll wait with you until she arrives if that's okay,"

 

  
"Tyler sweetheart, come here," Kelly smiled sympathetically as she arrived at the park play area, and Tyler stood up and pulled her into a tight hug. She rubbed his back, then let him go.  
"Thanks for coming," he said quietly.

"Of course, and Hayley thank you for staying with them." Kelly continued, facing the woman who also stood up.  
"Not a problem,"  
"Are you and Ryan coming round for dinner soon?" Kelly asked.  
"That would be lovely, I'll have to check the diary but I'll get back to you." The younger woman replied, then looked over at the kids who were playing in the sand pit, "Scarlett! Will! Time to go home!"

The two youngsters played for another couple of seconds before eventually giving in and running over to the three adults.

"Mommy, can I play with William more?" Scarlett asked.  
"Not tonight sweetheart, we need to get home to Daddy," Hayley answered, stroking her daughter's blonde hair.  
"Pleeease,"  
"We can come to the park together again another day, but not tonight,"  
"Ohhhhh," she moaned sadly.  
"Another day," Tyler nodded.

"I want Daddy," William said quietly.  
"You're coming to my house now William, yeah, with Chris too. And we can play with all my toys." Kelly told him, but the boy continued to stare at his feet sadly.  
"Scar, give William a goodbye hug and we'll see him tomorrow at school." Hayley told her little girl, who did as she said.

 

William sat silently in the backseat of Kelly's car as she drove them back to her house, and continued to be quiet as she opened the front door and lead them both into the kitchen.

"Hey William," Chris smiled from the table, waving at the little boy sulking behind Kelly. "I'm Chris, do you remember me?"  
"Yes," William nodded shyly.

"Should we go find some toys to play with?" Kelly suggested, "My grandkids always leave theirs in the living room,"  
"I want Daddy,"  
"Tyler can send Daddy a text message and tell him to come here once he finishes work, but I think we should go and wait with the toys next door." Kelly told the little boy, taking his hand and leading him out of the door.

"You alright kid? Your mom said you've been dealing with anxiety again recently," Chris asked as Tyler sat down at the table across from him.   
"I messed up," Tyler sighed.

"What happened?"  
"William hurt his arm, I wasn't even watching him so I have no idea how, and he ran over to me and I caught sight of the blood and basically just shut down. He was crying my name and begging me to help him and I just couldn't. I was completely useless,"  
"Panic attack?"  
"Almost," Tyler mumbled.  
"I think there's some lorazepam in the kitchen cupboard if you need a top up,"  
"I don't need meds, I need to stop freaking out at the sight of a tiny bit of blood." He mumbled, slouching against the back of his chair.

"Tyler you did your best and it worked out in the end, William's okay."  
"But what if he wasn't? What if Hayley wasn't there? Or what if he'd seriously hurt himself? Dad he was sobbing for help and I couldn't even open my eyes to look at him. He must have been terrified, and that's my fault!"  
"It's not as if you chose to ignore him though, it's not in your control so it's not your fault." Chris countered.

"I'm supposed to be responsible for him, supposed to care for him and look after him,"  
"And you do,"  
"Not when it mattered the most. Not when he needed me. I let him down."  
"Ty you didn't let him down. He's a kid, they cry all the time, he was probably crying from the shock rather than actually being in pain."  
"That's not the point Dad! I'm trying to be a father to that boy but I left him scared and alone with blood running down his arm whilst I hid behind my hands, all because of a stupid trigger."  
"Tyler it is not stupid, okay? You listen to me, it is not stupid. You're dealing with some very serious mental health issues, and you've done an amazing job in identifying what's going to cause you to have a bad reaction. This afternoon you did amazing to-"  
"Pff," Tyler scoffed.  
"No, you let me finish. You did amazing to cope with a very difficult trigger, and I'm very proud of you."

"I should have helped him,"  
"Okay let's say that hypothetically you didn't shelter yourself from the blood, and you did try to help him. Then what? You spend time looking at it and most likely touching it, and that causes you to have a full blown panic attack. And who knows? That panic attack could lead to you having an episode which could result in you potentially really hurting yourself. What would William have done then? Yes I know it's hard to accept that you needed a moment away from him, but that's better than what could have happened if you pushed yourself too far."  
"Yeah," Tyler sighed. "Just hate being sick,"

"I know you do Ty, I know you do. And I feel like Dr Wakefield when I say this, but you've got to look for the positives in today. You've been with Todd what? 8 9 months?"  
"9,"  
"9 months, and this is the first time William has seen you get upset. He didn't even see you have a panic attack, because you managed to pull yourself back from that. Seeing blood and not having a panic attack, success. Seeing blood and not having an episode, success. Seeing blood and not hurting yourself, success. Tyler think about how far you've come, you have no idea how proud we all are of you. Okay maybe you don't have perfect mental health and you're having a rough anxiety patch at the moment, but it's a hell of a lot better than it used to be."  
"Yeah,"  
"Considering how badly this afternoon could have gone, you did pretty darn well kid."  
"Thank you,"

"Is Todd going to come here?"  
"Yeah he's on his way,"  
"You going to talk to him about what happened?"  
"If I don't then William will, so yeah."  
"Okay then once they leave, you can sleep here if you feel like tonight might be rough."  
"Yeah that sounds wise, thank you,"

 

 

Tyler got up and answered the door once the bell rang 15 minutes later. He opened it to Todd, and led him into the kitchen.

"Hi Chris, great to see you," Todd smiled, shaking Tyler's dad's hand.  
"You too, you too."  
"Dad do you mind giving us a minute?"  
"Course not, but Ty I'll be with Kell and William if you need me okay?" He told his son as he stood up and walked to the door.  
"Thanks,"

"You alright sweetheart? William want to see Grandma Kelly?" Todd asked.  
"Yeah I'm fine, just there was a small incident in the park earlier that I thought I should tell you about."  
"Right," Todd said, sitting down at the table.

"I'm sorry, but William cut his arm,"  
"Oh it's alright babe, he's always knocking himself on things,"  
"Yeah, no, I know, it's just my reaction, I uh, I didn't deal with it very well." Tyler explained anxiously, wringing his hands.  
"Hands," Todd told him, holding out both his hands for Tyler to take. Tyler tugged himself one last time before eventually letting Todd settle him, something he frequently did whenever Tyler began to feel anxious.

"I uh, okay well you know how I had to leave when we were at that bar the other day and those guys were shouting at each other,"  
"Yeah,"  
"It's because I still find confrontation and aggression quite scary,"  
"Right," Todd listened patiently, gently stroking Tyler's hands with his thumbs.  
"And when I get scared, it can trigger a panic attack for me which can trigger other things,"  
"Like episodes?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded softly, "And I have a couple of other things that can trigger me, but one of the hardest ones is blood,"  
"Okay,"

"So when I saw William's bleeding arm, I shut down basically."  
"Oh sweetheart, did you have a panic attack?"  
"That doesn't matter, I just want to apologise because I think I scared William,"  
"Tyler it does matter, I'm worried about you,"  
"I had a few panicked minutes but it wasn't a bad attack or anything, I just hope that William's okay."  
"Alright sweetheart, you seem to be doing a bit better now so that's good."  
"Todd, please, I upset your son." Tyler interrupted his caring boyfriend.

"Was he upset?"  
"He was crying my name and I couldn't help him, I just seized up. Hayley, Scarlett's mom, came over and put a bandaid on his arm but he's been really quiet ever since. I'm really sorry T,"  
"Right, well I'm sure he'll have forgotten about it by tomorrow so don't worry. Do you wanna go talk to him with me?"  
"Um,"  
"If you're still anxious then you don't have to,"  
"No no it's okay, I'll come."

 

As Todd and Tyler walked into the living room hand in hand, Tyler saw Kelly and William playing on the floor and Chris sat on an armchair. Chris looked at him discreetly and Tyler nodded that he was okay, and continued to walk with Todd until they reached William.

"Hello cheeky," Todd smiled.  
"Daddy!" He cried out, standing up and running over to him, wrapping his arms around his neck.  
"Hey little man," the father said, rubbing his back.  
"Daddy I missed you," William told him, beginning to cry against Todd's neck.  
"Come on, no need for tears," Tyler watched Todd soothe his son, and tried not to feel guilty for being the cause of his upset.  
William then whispered something into his dad's ear, and Tyler stood patiently controlling his breathing.

"No William don't be silly, Tyler's not angry," Todd said gently to William, still carrying him in his arms. The boy whispered again.

"Yeah but listen, that's not William's fault, okay? You're a good boy, and you're so brave with hurting your arm. Daddy's very happy with you, and so is Tyler."  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded despite not knowing exactly what he was agreeing with.

"But Daddy," William murmured against Todd's lapel, "Why was Tyler mean to me?"  
"Tyler wasn't mea-"  
"William - sorry for interrupting - William I am so so sorry for being a meany, I know that wasn't friendly and I understand why you are sad. Is it okay if you let go of Daddy, and give Tyler a hug?" Tyler intervened, but the boy shied away and buried himself against Todd again.  
"William it's okay I promise, we're all here." Kelly added from the floor.

"Do you want to give Papa Ty a hug?" Todd asked again, and this time William eventually nodded then held out his hands for Tyler to take him. Tyler did just that, and rested the young boy on his hip.

"I'm really sorry," Tyler apologised.  
"Why do you not like me?" William asked tearfully.  
"Not like you? William I love you! I love you so much. And I'm sorry I was bad in the park." Tyler told the child, "I was bad because I was scared. You know William doesn't like the dark, and Daddy doesn't like spiders? Well I don't like blood, I think it's really scary."  
"It's not scary,"  
"That's because you're really brave William, much braver than me, I'm a scaredy pants." Tyler smiled at the boy.  
"Oh,"  
"So I'm really sorry about not being helpful in the park, will you please be my friend again?"  
"Yes," William nodded.  
"Thank you," Tyler said as the young boy hugged himself against him tightly.

"Daddy," the boy said against Tyler's chest.  
"Yes?" Todd asked.  
"Group hug,"  
"Okay," Todd laughed, wrapping his arms around Tyler and William and enveloping them in a big hug.


End file.
